My Ode To Beet-red Poo
Branded Hurricane Names
The next big thing in advertising is branded hurricanes, instead of the use of common names…well, not common names. Katrina…not common. Olga…not common. Ernesto…awesome, but not common. Here’s my list of branded hurricane names I hope to see:
Hurricane Windex Streak-Free Window Cleaner
Hurricane Purina Vegan Puppy Chow
Hurricane Serenity Malibu Rehab Center
Hurricane Panda Express
Hurricane King of Prussia Mall
Hurricane Major League Lacrosse Association
Hurricane Starter Caps/Jackets
Hurricane Florida State Seminoles
Fake It ‘til You Make It
You know what’s not funny? Divorce. You know what’s funny? Forcing yourself to cry because everyone else is doing it.
When my parents told my brothers and I they were divorcing, I was 6 years old. My older brothers broke down in emotional tears. I, on the other hand, was a 6 years old. The emotional concept of divorce meant nothing to me. So, I fake cried. Everyone else was doing it, and I certainly didn’t want to be left out. I’m a robot.
Life as learned by Groundhog Day
"I wake up every day right here…and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I read an article by Malcom Jones of the Daily Beast that aptly described the movie Groundhog Day. He claimed it as as good as a movie can get. I couldn’t agree any more. It’s this piece of the article, however, that made me realize the personal twist the movie has:
"We’ve all felt like a squirrel on a wheel at one time or another. We’ve been told by gurus of all stripes that we must lose our selves to gain the world. But rarely have we been told this—and rarely so well—and then reminded that it’s also funny, that life is tragedy and comedy all at once and only a fool would try to separate them."
You can’t make up life. Life is too brilliant to script. We conjure it and contort it so it makes sense on paper or on screen, but really, life is just too original. Life is a wonderful comedic tragedy. The excerpt above made me want to examine all the tragedies and traumas and depression and anxieties and fears and hesitations and regrets that have encumbered my life. It’s my point now to think back on those things that were “negatives” in my life and wring out the comedy that is absorbed in its threads.
I will commit my blog to transcribing the comedy that is tragedy in my life, because life is pretty fucking funny.
Read the full article by Malcom Jones here:
The Lovable Dickhead
My feelings toward testicular cancer!
Today, February 20th, is Charles Barkley’s birthday! He turns 51 years old.
Remember when Mr. Barkley declared that he’s not a roll model? Well he was right, because I’m awful at basketball. Just awful. Like laughably awful. But not “ha ha” laughable. I’m mean awkward, pititful “ha ha” laughable. Like, “why did he just shoot the basketball at the opponents hoop? Good thing he’s so bad that he missed” bad. Like, so awful that my eight grade coach made fun of me. And now I have a basketball complex. Thanks Coach Malliard. May God have mercy on your black, wretched soul!
Happy birthday, Mr. Barkley! Why…you…sound…so…dumb?
The Queen is Born this Day
Look at me! DO IT! LOOK AT ME! ALWAYS LOOK AT ME!
Today, September 4th, is Beyonce Knowles birthday! She turns 32 years old.
Beyonce is the queen of celebrity overexposure.
All hail Queen Knowles! Find her here, find her there, find her everywhere!
Happy birthday, Queen Knowles! If you weren’t so gorgeous my eyes would picket your ads!
A Springfield Tribute to Cinema…kind of
For the last time, I am not Corey Hart!
Today, August 23rd, is Rick Springfield’s birthday. He turns 64 years old.
Best usage of Rick Springfield songs in cinema? See below:
Wet Hot American Summer weirdness
Boogie Nights coke deal weirdness
That’s about it. Both usages incorporate drug deals, so that’s pretty hip!
Happy birthday, Mr. Springfield. Love is certainly alright tonite Jessie’s girl don’t talk to strangers I’ve done everything for you.
Smiles…So Much Smiles!
These are my teeth.
Today, August 22nd, is Giada De Laurentiis’ birthday! She turns 43 years old.
Chef Laurentiis smiles…a lot. She can make every situation seem like a birthday party!
Happy birthday, Mrs. Larentiis. For the love of God, your teeth!
Kenny Rogers, the Other White Meat
Eat me up, ladies!
Today, August 21st, is Kenny Rogers birthday! He turns 75 years old.
With all his Botox, Kenny Rogers looks like a plump Thanksgiving turkey.
Happy birthday, Mr. Rogers! I liked you better when you looked like a man.
Stamos in Rainbows
You want me, but you can’t have me
Today, August 19th, is John Stamos’ birthday! He turns 50 years old!
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG…it’s John Stamos’ birthday!!! What a dream! His perfect hair is a spout for rainbows…
Happy birthday, Uncle Jesse! Oh that hair!
My Louis CK Dream
Why the fuck would you have a dream about me??
This was my celebrity dream last night. It was the third act in my dream sequence. I rarely have vivid dreams, but this one was a vivid as they come:
The dream begins at Carolines Comedy Club in New York City where I sat off-center stage watching Louis CK do (as usual) a hilarious set. The set was so funny that I stayed for his second set. During his second set I am sitting house left. Since I already know the jokes from the show before I grab my phone to look at a text. As I’m looking at my phone I feel a tap on my shoulder and standing behind me is…
comedian Jeffrey Ross. I look at him and he whispers to me, “Pay attention…pay fucking attention!” He disappears back to his chair under the shadows.
Freaked out and a bit embarrassed, I put my phone in my pocket and continue to watch the show.
Louis ends his set and I approach him to thank him for an amazing show. I mentioned what happened with Jeffery Ross. Louis says to me, “don’t worry, man. I saw you at the first show. I know you were paying attention.” Then I offer him a ride home. He accepts. We walk outside. It’s light out and we don’t appear to be on the streets of New York but in some desolate parking lot.
We chat as we walk together towards my car, but we go the wrong car.
Louis gets into the strange car and I say, “that’s not my car, Louis.” He says, “oh” and gets out. Laughing I say, “you should sit in the car and when the owner comes back and sees some dude in the car he’ll be pissed and be all like, ‘what the fuck are you doing in my car’ then realize who you are and say, ‘holy shit, you’re Louis CK! Louis CK’s in my fucking car!”
Louis loved the idea, but wanted to get home. I drove him home. Then I woke up.
I love dreams that you wish were real life. Those are the best dreams because they’re just that: dreams.
Mustache of Envy
Grrrrrrr, I say…grrrrrrrrrrrr
Today, August 9th, is Sam Elliot’s birthday! He turns 69 years old.
Oh, his deep, sultry voice…
Oh, his thick, hanging mustache…
Two fantastic human traits. His mustache, especially, is enviable amongst men and women alike. Here’s what other celebrities (today’s birthday celebs) look like with his thick brush-like follicle:
Whitney Houston (R.I.P)
I’d mustache ride all of them…especially Deion Sanders. I’d go until Prime Time with him.
Happy birthday, Mr. Elliot! Sarsaparilla!
Scott Stapp: Enemy #1
Oh look, a reflection of my face in my urine…
Today, August 8th, is Scott Stapp’s birthday. He turns 40 years old.
I don’t like him. You don’t like him. God doesn’t like him. Satan doesn’t even like him. There is one good thing that came from Scott Stapp: this shred video…
Happy birthday, Scott Stapp! Actually, I take that back.
She’s no monster!
Yes, I was created in a lab
Today, August 7th, is Charlize Theron’s birthday! She turns 38 years old.
Miss Theron is arguably one of the most beautiful women in the world. She also played one of the ugliest women in the world with her role as female serial killer and man-eater Aileen Wuornos in the film Monster. In honor of the undeniable beauty of Charlize I have replaced her most beautiful roles with a face from her ugliest role. Hooray!
Ok, I admit, these are horribly executed…but that adds to the ugly! Right guys? Hey, where y’all going??
Happy birthday, Miss Theron. Will you have me?